


the lights are dim and your hands are shaking

by ohmcgee



Series: ohmcgee's mallverse [28]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Midnighter (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, Anxiety Disorder, First Times, M/M, Panic Attacks, mallverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 11:07:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7265560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmcgee/pseuds/ohmcgee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I mean, finally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the lights are dim and your hands are shaking

**Author's Note:**

> Ok so, I hope this doesn't upset anyone too much, but after much consideration I've decided to refer to Apollo as Apollo and not Andrew because that's what I'm used to calling him. I'm not sure why I went with Andrew in the first place, but as I was writing this chapter I kind of twitched every time I used Andrew. YMMV, but I write better/get a better picture when I use Apollo vs Andrew, so it's how I gotta roll. Sorry for any confusion, lovelies. <3

M finally gets to clock out a little after three, even though his shift was supposed to be over at two. The new kid, Kyle, isn’t picking up on things very fast and M’s pretty sure that Connor isn’t helping. 

“Connor, what the fuck are you doing here?” He asks on his way out. “Don't you have a class tonight?”

“Got moved to tomorrow night,” Connor says, sipping on a chai latte. M met Connor back when he first started volunteering at the gym. Kid’s a martial arts prodigy or something and he teaches three different classes. He could probably kick M’s ass without breaking a sweat and M’s not afraid to admit it. Kid has some moves. 

“Yeah well I’m pretty sure Rayner just poured a cup full of straight skim milk staring at the those baby blues of yours, so find somewhere else to hang out,” M says, chuckling when Connor blushes and ducks his head. 

On his way home M remembers Dick’s coming over later, so he stops by the market and grabs some fresh veggies and some chicken, a bottle of wine, and the crappy beer Dick likes to drink. He puts the food away as soon as he gets home and hops in the shower, washing the stink of espresso and mall-kids off of him, pulls on a pair of boxers and jeans and heads into the kitchen to start chopping up chicken. 

He’s just started slicing the cherry tomatoes in half when the doorbell rings, fizzling out at the end because it’s been dying for about two months and M’s had more important priorities. 

“Yeah coming,” he says, washing his hands quickly, then grabbing a dish towel on his way to the door. He knows it’s not Dick because Dick texts about thirty-seven times before he comes over and prefers to bang on the door like a heathen instead of ringing the doorbell. But he’s not expecting it to be Apollo either. 

The last time M saw him it was right before he and Dick got together and things went...pretty much like they always do. 

“Hi,” M says, drying his hands off. “Come on in.”

Apollo smiles at him, just as blindingly beautiful as ever, and follows M inside, a large shoebox in his hands. 

“Sorry,” Apollo says. “For coming by unannounced. I forgot that I. Well, I just forgot.”

“It’s fine,” M says, setting the towel down when he realizes his hands have been dry for a while now. “What’s up?”

“Oh,” Apollo says, brushing his hair out of his eyes. It’s longer now, shaggy around his ears, and M remembers the last time he cut it for him, how Apollo pouted for a week because he made it too short. “It’s just some of your things I found. A t-shirt, your Bowie cd, some old pictures --”

“You could’ve just left it in my locker at the gym,” M says and takes it from him, walks over to sit it on the kitchen table. 

“Yeah,” Apollo says, tucking his hair behind his ear. “But I wanted to see you.”

M’s breath catches somewhere behind his ribs. “Apollo.”

“I know,” Apollo smiles at him. “I can look at this place and tell you’re with someone, M. No one would ever catch you putting gummi worms in your mouth. It’s the kid from the gym, isn’t it? The one with the hair and all the ink?”

“Dick,” M says. “He’s...something.”

Apollo’s grin slowly fades into something more somber, something that makes M’s chest get tight. 

“What’s going on?” He asks.

“I’m,” Apollo starts. “Well. I’m moving. To Chicago.”

M’s heart falls down into his stomach. “Oh.”

“I fly out in a few days,” Apollo tells him. “I got a job out there. I start on Monday.”

“Oh,” M says again. He keeps trying to breathe, but it doesn’t feel like it working. “That’s…”

“Hey,” Apollo says, taking him by the hand. “Come sit with me.”

He guides M over to the sofa and M sits down next to him even though it feels like his ribs have splintered off and are stabbing him right in the heart. “I can’t…”

“I know,” Apollo says, frowning. “I’m sorry. I should’ve worked up to that. I just...didn’t know how. Where’s the xanax?”

“Klonopin,” M says. “Top drawer. Right.”

He holds his pounding head in his hands as Apollo goes into the kitchen and finds the bottle of klonopin in the drawer, then pours a glass of water and brings it to him. 

“I’m sorry,” he says again as M tosses the pill back and chases it with water. 

They’re quiet for a minute to let the meds do their thing and M feels like a fucking idiot the entire time. He can’t believe he’s having a fucking panic attack just because Apollo told him he’s moving. 

Or maybe he can. 

He’s known Apollo since he was fifteen. One of the foster families he lived with for a short time was next door to Apollo’s house and as soon as M saw that smile he was hooked. M screwed up and got booted to another family a couple of months after that, but he still snuck out and saw Apollo as often as he could. They went to junior prom together, no one daring to say shit to them because M’s reputation was pretty much legend, and after graduation they went on a roadtrip together, fucking in every filthy motel along the way. 

It wasn’t until college started in the fall that they started to realize it wasn’t going to work. M tried ignoring it at first, but that just made it worse. The fact was, Apollo was his first love and M was his. They’d never even been with anyone else, never experienced anything other than each other. When Apollo cheated on him with a lacrosse player, M couldn’t even get angry. Hell, he’d thought about it before. He just figured it was because he was a bastard. Apollo ended up getting more upset about it than he did, apologized and pleaded with M to forgive him, to let them try again, but M knew it just wasn’t going to work. He loved Apollo more than anything and that was why he knew he had to let him go. 

He’s not sure he can be that strong again. 

“Chicago,” he says when it doesn’t feel like dying when he tries to breathe. “That’s...far.”

“Yeah,” Apollo says. He’s still holding M’s hand. “Six hundred miles.”

M’s chest tightens again and he looks up and --

Apollo is beautiful. His eyes are sad and his thumb is rubbing between M’s index finger and M _can’t._

He leans forward and Apollo meets him in the middle, pressing their foreheads together. M closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.

“Don’t go,” he says. 

Apollo puts his finger under M’s chin and tilts his head up and M feels like he’s about to cry, so instead he leans forward and kisses him. 

Kissing Apollo used to be as familiar and as frequent as breathing. They would kiss over breakfast, kiss while M studied for exams. It never got dull, never got boring. Every time they would kiss M would feel it again, the same thing he felt in his chest the first time he saw him. He still feels it, even now. Only, he feels something else too. 

“Christ,” he mutters, putting his hand on Apollo’s cheek when he pulls away, pressing their foreheads together again. “I can’t do this.”

“I know,” Apollo says, grabbing M’s face and kissing his forehead before standing up. “I’m going to go now. If you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” M lies. “Call me when you get there.”

Apollo looks like he wants to hug him, but he doesn’t, and M’s glad for it. He’s definitely not strong enough to push him away a third time. “I will.”

“See you,” M says, letting his fingernails dig into his palm as Apollo walks away.

“See you, M,” Apollo says, smiling brightly, and shuts the door behind him. 

 

: : :

 

When Dick gets off later that night and bangs on the door, M’s draining the pasta in the sink. When he opens the door Dick’s standing there looking like a drowned rat; apparently it had been raining and the idiot doesn’t know what an umbrella is 

“Go change,” M snorts, pointing toward his bedroom. “There’s some sweats in the bottom drawer that are too small for me.”

“That’s because your muscles have muscles,” Dick says, peeling his wet t-shirt off as he walks through the apartment, running into the side table on his way and knocking the lamp off.

“Jesus,” M mutters and walks over to right it, staring at Dick as he stumbles, wet and shirtless into his bedroom. 

“What drawer?” Dick calls from in his room and M rolls his eyes and turns off the stove, walks into his room only to find Dick standing there in nothing but his tiny, soaked-through boxer briefs. “Oh there you are,” Dick grins and walks up to him, wraps his cold, wet arms around M’s neck and goes in for a kiss. 

Dick’s mouth is wet and cold too and he tastes like Red Bull and jolly ranchers. When Dick’s hands start to wander, M licks the drops of water off his skin, sucks a bruise into his neck until Dick squirms and M can feel his dick getting hard against his hip. 

“Dinner,” M reminds him, which just makes Dick rub up against him. 

“Not hungry,” Dick says. “Different H word.”

“Idiot,” M growls and tries to pull away, but Dick’s hands are on his jeans, tugging to pop open the button and his mouth is on M’s jaw, biting and sucking his way down his throat as he works his hand down the front of M’s pants. 

“Jesus,” M hisses when Dick grabs him through his briefs. They kiss sloppily as M backs him up against the bed and Dick hooks his thumbs into his damp boxers and peels them off, kicking his foot out to kick them off when he lands on his back. 

M presses down against him, jeans open, and fucks his tongue down Dick’s throat as Dick pushes his jeans off his ass, pulls him down so they can grind together. 

“I’m ready,” Dick says against his mouth. “I want you. I want -- I want you _in_ me.”

He doesn’t even sound nervous or turn red when he says it this time and M --

Starts to freak out again. 

He pulls away from Dick like he’d been burned, swings his legs off the other side of the bed and holds his head in his hands. “Fuck,” he says. “ _Fuck._

“What,” Dick says, sitting up. “What’d I do wrong?”

“Nothing,” M says. “Jesus christ, you didn’t do anything, Dick.”

“Then why --”

“I kissed him,” M mumbles. “I kissed Apollo. My fucking ex. Two hours before you got here.”

Dick gets out of bed and pulls on the sweats M had given him, comes over to sit next to M. “Okay,” he says. “Are you guys getting back together or?”

“No,” M says, sighing. “It was just. I was just stupid.”

“Hm,” Dick says, leaning his head on M’s shoulder. “I’m stupid all the time. I did at least thirteen different stupid things at work today. Ask Jay.”

“Dick,” M says. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t act like I didn't fuck up,” M says. 

“Do you still want to, um,” Dick says, chewing on his lip. “Be with...me?”

“Yeah,” M breathes out. “I. He came here to tell me he’s leaving. He’s moving to Chicago and I -- I freaked a little.”

“I bet,” Dick says. “When Jay had to move into another foster home I went out of my mind. I almost got sent to juvie because I stole my adopted parents car and drove across town after midnight to see him.”

“That’s -- it’s not the same thing.”

“You’ve been with him forever,” Dick says. “Even when you weren’t together together, you still saw him all the time. He was still part of your life. He always has been. You don’t know how to be you without him.”

M just stares at him. 

“Everybody fucks up, you know?” Dick continues. “I mean, I thought you didn’t, so that’s kind of disappointing, but --” He grins. “I was a jerk to Jay for pretty much our whole life and I didn’t even know it and he still wants me around, so I think this is okay.”

“Yeah?” M asks, arching his eyebrow. 

“Yeah,” Dick smiles and climbs into his lap, wrapping his arms back around M’s neck. “If you still want me.”

“Mm,” M hums, letting his hands slide down the plane of Dick’s back. Dick makes a soft noise when he slides his hands down the back of his sweats that Dick’s wearing and sucks on his throat. “I do. What do you want?”

“You _know_ ,” Dick shudders, rocking against M when M squeezes his ass. “I’ve been thinking about it all day, ever since I --”

“Hm?” M asks against his skin. “Since what?”

“I was, uh,” Dick says, breath hitching when M lightly drags his index finger up and down the crease of his ass. “I was curious, so I. Tim gave me this...dildo.”

M’s hands go still and he drops his head, pressing his forehead against Dick’s collarbone and he takes a deep breath, letting it out in a shuddery gust. “You fucked yourself,” he says calmly. “With a dildo.”

“Yes?” Dick says, blushing. “I mean. It didn’t take much.”

“Jesus,” M mutters, then he’s spilling Dick out of his lap and throwing him down on the bed on his belly, moving on the bed behind him and mouthing his way down Dick’s bare back and shoulders. 

“Oh,” Dick says. “ _Oh._ What are you --”

M hooks his fingers into the waistband of his sweatpants and starts pulling them off of Dick’s ass. “I’m going to take a wild guess,” he says, pressing a kiss to the base of Dick’s spine. “That you’ve never let anybody rim you before.”

“ _Ah_ ,” Dick says incoherently, almost trembling beneath M. “You . Are you -- oh _god_ \--”

M starts off just biting a little on each cheek, then spreading Dick’s cheeks and flicking his tongue out over his hole. Dick jerks and squirms beneath him, moans and whimpers into M’s pillow.

“I’ve wanted to do this ever since I saw your ass,” M murmurs, rubbing Dick’s ass in his hands before fucking his tongue inside of him.

“Oh god, oh god, oh _god_ ,” Dick screams into his pillow and M grins against him, alternates between stabbing his tongue inside of him and lapping at his hole, getting him all loose and wet so he can tease him with a finger in between fucking him with his tongue. “M, fuck, that’s --”

M rubs the rim of Dick’s hole with his thumb, then buries his tongue in him again and something just switches inside of Dick then and he starts fucking back against M’s tongue, grinding back against M’s face, and it’s the hottest thing M’s ever fucking felt. His dick is _leaking_ in his briefs just listening to all the sounds Dick is making for him. 

“ _M_ ,” Dick cries out when M pushes his finger inside of him to the first knuckle, reaches back to pull at his own hair. “ _Please._ ”

“Incredible,” M murmurs and bites Dick’s cheeks one last time before standing up and pushing his jeans and briefs off before getting a condom and the lube out of his top drawer, then climbing back on the bed and rolling Dick over. “You ready?”

“So ready,” Dick says. “Very ready. Oh god, that’s big.”

“Some people _like_ that,” M winks, then leans down to kiss him, slow and deep. “I’ll take it easy. Tell me to stop and I will.”

“Okay,” Dick says, letting out a shaky breath, then gives M a thumbs up because he’s an actual ridiculous human being. 

M just laughs and rolls the condom on, then grabs the lube and slicks himself up before hooking Dick’s legs over his shoulders and lining his dick up with Dick’s hole. 

“Slow,” Dick says and M nods as he starts to push in, turns his head to kiss the inside of Dick’s thigh as Dick trembles beneath him. 

“Oh god,” he says, whisper-like. “Oh _fuck._ ”

“Okay?” M asks and Dick just nods, his whole face flushed, all the way down to his neck. “Good.”

M keeps sliding in, inch by slow inch, until he bottoms out. “Mother _fuck_ , you’re tight,” M gasps. “Dick, say something.”

“ _Move_ ,” Dick hisses, fingernails digging into M’s back, so M does. He starts with slow, shallow thrusts, stroking Dick’s cock with the same rhythm until Dick’s wide, dilated eyes stare back at him and ask for more. 

“Fuck,” M says as he fucks into him, the sound of sweat-slick skin and Dick’s shameless moaning filling the room. “Dick, _fuck._ ”

“I can’t,” Dick says. “It’s so --oh god.”

He’s not making any sense, but M totally gets him right now. 

“Wanna kiss you,” M says. “But it’s gonna get me deeper. You okay with that?”

“Yeah,” Dick says, his dark eyes hooded with want, and gets his hand on the back of M’s head, pulling him down for a kiss.

As soon as M’s mouth is on him Dick cries out into it and M pulls back to make sure he’s okay. 

“ _God_ ,” he says, fingers digging into M’s scalp. “I’m gonna come, oh my _god_ \--”

M feels it when he does, all vice-grip tight around him, feels Dick’s come spurt between them, smeared between their bodies as he kisses him through it, fucking him until the tight clench of Dick’s muscles pulls him over the edge too. 

“Shit, Dick,” he gasps and buries his forehead in the crook of Dick’s neck as he comes, buried so deep inside of him he never wants to pull out. 

For a few minutes, he doesn’t. He kisses Dick, slow and lazy while they both come down, but eventually he has to. Dick whimpers when he starts to ease out, wincing at the soreness, and M gets up to throw the condom away, comes back with a warm cloth for Dick to wipe down with. 

“So,” he says, lying next to Dick after Dick’s cleaned up. He hasn’t said much in a few minutes, which is scarily uncharacteristic for him and M’s starting to worry. “You’re freaking me out a little.”

“Oh,” Dick says, turning to him with a lazy smile. “Sorry. I was just. You know. _Wow._ ”

M grins. “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

“Also I am super fucking hungry,” he says and his stomach immediately growls. “Feed me?”

M laughs and throws the sweatpants back at Dick for him to put on while he goes into the kitchen to reheat the dinner he made earlier. 

Dick, as per usual, inhales it in a way that makes M wonder if he’s even tasting it and M just sits there the entire time, watching him. 

In some ways, Dick reminds him so much of Apollo he has to laugh at himself for being so predictable. They're both infuriatingly gorgeous, they're both kind of airheaded and so sweet it gives you cavities. 

But Dick’s not Apollo. He's got tattoos and crazy ass friends and the world's filthiest apartment and just something that makes M a little crazy in the best possible way. 

Maybe he will always be in love with Apollo, but there's no denying that there’s something here too.

“Ew,” Dick says, poking at his pasta. “Is that one of those vegetable things?”

Or maybe he's just a moron.

**Author's Note:**

> Also haaaay Kyle and Connor. Haaaay.


End file.
